My story – When things were at their worst!
Do you feel a bit down but not exactly depressed. Perhaps you have tendencies towards negative bias?
That was me for a while. Not all of the time in the beginning, but it slowly built over time to become a consistent theme.
Maybe you can connect with this, maybe not. Chances are some of it will, and it will only take 4 minutes of your life.
You are burnt out, tired of always trying to make things perfect, to look the part, to not just fool others but prove something to yourself too. Always questioning your ability to adult, worrying about what others think of your skills and you as a person. In the meantime, your professional life looks decent, but it has infected all aspects of your personal life, leaving you with little to no energy and patience for the ones you love.
Your cup feels low most of the time and you feel like you could burst into tears at any point but you push them back and bury them deep down, waiting until you can have a shower cry in private. Because being vulnerable is admitting to yourself that you are human and being vulnerable is not something that was modelled well.
You fear conflict so you avoid it at all cost. Because you are so emotionally sensitive you always want to make others happy over yourself and your needs. Martyr much! Perhaps a deep patriarchal thread that you subconsciously have to uphold.
Everything you do is planned around work and what you need to do so that you feel accomplished and like you totally have your shit together. You need to present to the world and yourself that you are adulting life like a pro, while the rest of your life feels like it is slowly going to shit.
You keep cool, calm and collected but on the inside you are raging like a bull and just want to tell everyone to fuck off. And then, there are days that you don’t want to be around anyone at all. All you want to do is sloth around the house and be in your own little cocoon.
When you do find some breathing space, the beast (aka: not feeling enough) comes back to fuck with your chilled day. Over time weekends begin to suck, you’d rather it be Monday already because you can at least have a reason to feels on edge, rather than that feeling of having wasted precious weekend time feeling overwhelmed and achieving nothing.
You have a feeling of unease in your mind and body (that’s your new BFF, Anxiety) is the new norm because your to do list is on constant download and update in your head. Even when you do have the chance to be social or ‘switch off’ there is always a Gretchen Wiener mean girl in the back of your mind. You constantly say “When this is done I can relax!” but you know full well that another thing will take its place, something will fill the dreaded void of having NOTHING to do! Because what does that even mean!?
You try your best to do the right things by yourself. You eat well, exercise and rest but it never seems to get you where you want to be. You mildly obsess over your meat suit and try to love it but are constantly comparing yourself to others. Let's face, as much you you have tried and deep down intellectually know that it doesn't matter what you look like, mass media has has sunk it diseased claws into your mind at least a little.
You have given yourself the saviour identity, and help those you love, the kids at school and colleagues and friends, but internally cry poor me when people don’t have Professor Xavier’s telepathic skills to see that you need support and big fucking bear hug too.
You feel all the social pressures of society even though you intellectually know that they are bullshit and you can be your own person and do things your way. Maybe you feel like a bit of a black sheep and struggle to communicate what you really need because of that vulnerability thing again. Or you don’t really know what you need or want! You feel trapped! Adulting is confusing AF.
Does any of this sound familiar?
I’m sure I’m not the only one out there!
Why do I share this on the interwebs?
Not for pity or to play the victim, I’m done with that, it didn’t serve me. This is just the most human part of me being learning to be vulnerable in the hope that more people with be vulnerable.
This is only one part of my story, the part that I willing to share on here. My deeper vulnerabilities have been the privilege of a few trusted people. When I gave myself permission to be vulnerable with a select few, I felt so much lighter physically, mentally and emotionally. I was allowing myself to he heard, supported and held.
Choose your people to be vulnerable with, people who have the privilege of your vulnerability, don't go spraying it in the faces of everyone you meet. And remember they don’t have Professor Xavier’s telepathic skills, you have to actually share this with. It doesn’t matter if you blubber and cry your guts out, I did and still do. Let go and allow yourself to feel lighter.
I now know what I needed was to seek objective support. This is why I do the work that I’m doing today. If working with me intrigues you, check out my services https://www.awakenhwy.com.au/hc I would love to connect with you to find out if I can help.
Keep fighting the good fight!
Big love & peace out xxx